I’m going to take this literally rather than use the common perjorative ‘dogs’ to mean ‘ugly people’. Mostly because I can’t believe my gorgeous questioneer would’ve lost so much faith in her own sexiness, or that she’d be attacking my sexiness (and I certainly don’t want to spend 500 words trying to find reasons why people don’t want to sleep with me…that would be depressing).
I’ve slept with a dog.
Instantly I feel a need to justify that sentence for people with lewd minds. I think that’s the reason why people find dog sleeping disgusting, it’s because they think of sharing a bed as being instantly sexual or romantic.
Beyond a few issues relating to hair, and the experience of waking up to find someone in your bed licking their own genitals, there’s nothing disgusting about sleeping with a dog in your bed.
To be fair though, I’d kind of understand why someone would have an issue with either of those things. The hair is annoying, and that rhythmic slurping noise is weird, and it doesn’t get any better when you realise what it is.
This post is going to take a turn for the disturbing, but ride it out, it’s going to clear itself up before long.
I find it nigh on possible to sleep in a bed with someone I haven’t had sex with. I’m an insomniac, and having any kind of large moving lump in the bed with me is just too much of a distraction. The only reason I have to have sex to alleviate it is because sex is REALLY good for relaxation and sleep helping (though not fullproof).
I treat this as if it’s a hard and fast rule, and claim it often, but in fact there’s a few exceptions. There’s some people I care about enough, trust enough, and don’t think naughty thoughts about enough to sleep with.
They are few and far between, and I worry it would be insulting to say to someone that they may not be in enough of those categories.
But dogs. Dogs that I’d end up looking after anyway; fit into all of those categories fairly wholeheartedly.
So that’s me. I can sleep with dogs.
Despite the rude awakening.
Of course, I’m pretty sure Stompy being used to sleeping on the bed damaged my chances with a girl once, but that’s another story entirely. I’m kinda glad that I don’t have a dog permanently, so that I don’t have to make that decision on a regular basis (who am I kidding, like I have women near my bed with rude intentions on a ‘regular basis’). It’s not that hard a decision, but it’s hard to explain it to a dog without suddenly looking very unsexy. And dogs have those big puppy dog (obv) eyes with which to battle your logical explanation of why sex is more important than dog comfort.
Somehow, I doubt this post is going to win anybody over.
Intentional ambiguity there.
Illustration by Billy.