As the Arch-Lord Mandy‘s reign of digital terror encroaches on us all they will be his army. The discarded wrecks of antennae will rise up like so many shards of broom in a Disney musical. Their pointed metal skeletons will clatter down our streets and spear themselves through our hearts.
It will not be pretty.
In actuality, I believe that the digital switchover is being achieved for many more by freeview boxes providing digital terrestrial signals, but lets not get a few facts get in the way of a rip roaring yarn.
So once Mandelson achieves ascension to the level of Archfiend (cf the end of season 3 of Buffy the Vampire slayer) on the dawn of the dissolution of parliament, empowered by the nefarious protocols of the Digital Economy Bill, the world will shiver with fear before buckling to our knees with cries of distilled terror.
And the technology shall rise up with him.
As you pop the kettle on in the morning it’s lead with fling itself around your neck, slowly throttling you, and spilling the milk everywhere.
Your partner will only just be shuddering out of their last blissful dreams, wondering why you are vacuuming so early in the morning, to find the cleaning apparatus suckling at their toes. Arousal will turn to terror as the voltage increases and skin is removed from the body one fearful inch at a time.
While the armies of antennae wander the streets, striding boldly over the wreckage of cars shattered by the false instructions of wanton TomToms.
Twitter and the social networks will bluster with wikified crisis management, forming impromptu vigilante flash mobs to battle the dark one’s forces. Alas it will be a ruse of the digital nightmare incarnate, leading the geeks to their doom in a meat grinder ambush of detonating blackberry’s and the savage, whirring blades of some brutal new iphone app.
And the Baron of Corruption himself, swollen on the blood of the innocent, will burst through the walls of the houses of parliament, wearing it upon his loins as a perverse mockery of modesty.
He will rise above the city and laugh the dread laugh that will shatter the spines of the survivors.
And all will be lost in the inferno of his loathing.
Please ask your MP for proper scrutiny of the Digital Economy Bill.
For we know not what terror Lord Mandelson could wreak if left unchecked.
Illustration by Lucy.
With apologies to the seriousness of politics.