You are going walking in bear country. What important things should you know?

That you’re in bear country?

Always be aware of when you are or aren’t in bear country.

If you see a bear, you’re probably in it’s country. Be careful.

Apparently if it’s grizzly (ie just got up?) then you should play dead. If it’s a black bear you should attack (this apparently isn’t racist, but I refuse to believe that).

Don’t carry loose honey.

Remember that the ones that think they are smarter than average often aren’t (but sometimes have clever friends).

Of course, that applies to most species.

Bears are big. Bigger than you, probably. And definitely stronger and faster than you.

And they have claws.

Big fucking claws.

What the hell am I doing in bear country?

One night slept in the German countryside (I technically mean around the back of a Dortmund Tankstelle) without a properly put up tent, I entertained questions about the local wildlife before sleeping. This probably wasn’t the best idea.

On the other hand, I sincerely doubt that bears use service stations.

Though the toilets were impecabble (a little overpriced though…I’m pretty sure a bear could deal with that).

But, of course, that’s not where bears shit is it.

We were slept in the the woods (again, not exactly woodland, more like some trees between a little back road (parking for the burger king) and the farm behind it).

I don’t think we were really in bear country.

Like I say, the most important thing is to know your in bear country, and the way out of bear country? If you’ve got a good reason to be there, then get to know your bears.

Don’t invite them for dinner. But learn to distinguish the difference. You’ll be lucky if you get reception for your iPhone out in the badlands, and the speed with which you can peruse wikipedia is unlikely that comparable to the time it takes a bear to rip your gizzards out.

Gizzards is a great word. But I don’t really want a bear to show me them.

So, shall we pretend we’ve got some useful information in here.

Bear hunter extraordinaire, Kate, tells us the following:

Black bears aren’t always black. Grizzlies are bigger, have a pronounced hump, longer claws and shorter snout.

And apparently the above is accurate. Fight the black bear, play dead with the grizzly.

And play dead probably means curl up still in a ball, as opposed to quickly find a grateful dead record and a phonograph.

This is bear country, remember.

Grizzly’s are territorial, but not aggressive. They don’t just kill, they protect.

Black bears on the other hand want to fuck you up.

I till can’t believe the advice is to attack the bear. But yeah, put your dukes up, boff it on the nose and hope for the best.

I let those hopes get too high though.

Bears are big, remember.

And I believe they can climb trees.

Fuck bear country. I’m staying in bed.

Give my love to Yogi.

Illustration by Anna-Kaisa.

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About Alabaster Crippens

Joiner of Dots. Player of Games. Unreliable Narrator. Dancing Fool.
This entry was posted in Illustrations by Anna-Kaisa, Questions by Kate. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to You are going walking in bear country. What important things should you know?

  1. marzillk says:

    Well, you’re only supposed to fight the black bear as a last resort. Don’t just pick on one that’s minding its own business or anything. (I now have a mental picture of you running screaming at a very surprised bear.)

  2. nessa says:

    What is “bear country”? I don’t understand.

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