If you keep ageing at normal speed and george Osborne getting younger at normal speed when will you be exactly the same age as George osborne and what will happen?

I’m not entirely sure that babyface Osborne’s painting in the attic can actually withstand the pressures of exchequer chancelling in the long run. Let’s not forget that former postholder Gordon once looked like this.

The ravages of power are well documented maybe.

But yes. I’m still getting older, even as the parliament that governs me continues to look increasingly like a cheap, ‘more thatcherite than thatcher’, production of Bugsy Malone.

Only without the happy ending where everyone gets covered in cream. (Though we can only hope for constitutional reform to catch up with the needs of the nation).

But back to Babyface. The only politician two have been used in a question on these pages, and he’s appeared here twice. The guardian are really good at finding his angelic face in darkly lit rooms to ensure he looks as luceiferian as possible.

The fact remains that he looks like a twelve year old, which probably explains how he’s getting away with utterly shredding our public services, and generally being approved of as he does it. Boys will be boys after all.

It sickens me, actually, in a lot of different ways, and not just because I’m genuinely sick today.

One thing I find entertaining (read ‘painfully ironic’) is that actually, the only people I’ve ever met who use benefits as a lifestyle choice are doing so do volunteer in things that could easily be represented as big society (except that actually, what we’re talking about is small community driven volunteer projects, quite opposed to the notion of ‘big’ society in general).

My body is rotten, my brain is sour and occasionally everything’s disappearing in a haze.

This is definitely the position they want us in. Being sick is the best way to look at a government that are quite openly destroying things that the last generation of socialists fought tooth and claw for.

If New Labour has succeeded in anything, it’s being ludicrous and deceptive enough to make this kind of honesty look refreshing. Refreshing enough that we ignore what is going on.

I think I preferred the version of the story where we just thought he was a little rascal doing what little rascals do best.


Now I’m sick and miserable.

Thanks Chris.

A few weeks more of this and I’ll probably look about the same age as George Osborne. What will happen then is I’ll start crying and not stop until I’ve drowned all the tories (and unfortunately everyone else).

Now that’s what I call climate change.

NB Alex isn’t feeling very well today. He apologises. Though to be  honest, you’re a bit rude for demanding an apology when he looks as rough as he does today. Talk about adding insult to injury.



Illustration by Lucy.


About Alabaster Crippens

Joiner of Dots. Player of Games. Unreliable Narrator. Dancing Fool.
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One Response to If you keep ageing at normal speed and george Osborne getting younger at normal speed when will you be exactly the same age as George osborne and what will happen?

  1. The True Story says:

    David Cameron and George Osborne are having breakfast in a diner. They decide to rob it after realizing they could make money off the customers as well as the business, as they did during their previous heist. Moments after they initiate the hold-up, the scene breaks off and the title credits roll.

    As Gordon Brown drives, Tony Blair talks about his experiences in Europe, from where he has just returned—the hash bars in Amsterdam; the French McDonald’s and its “Royale with Cheese”. The dress-suited pair are on their way to retrieve a briefcase from Ed Balls, who has transgressed against their boss, gangster Alistair Campbell. Gordon tells Tony that Alistair Campbell had someone thrown off a fourth-floor balcony for giving his wife a foot massage. Tony says that Alistair Campbell has asked him to escort David Miliband while Alistair Campbell is out of town. They conclude their banter and “get into character”, which soon involves executing Ed Balls in dramatic fashion after Gordon recites a baleful “biblical” pronouncement.

    In a virtually empty cocktail lounge, aging prizefighter Peter Mandelson accepts a large sum of money from Alistair Campbell, agreeing to take a dive in his upcoming match. Tony and Gordon—now inexplicably dressed in T-shirts and shorts—arrive to deliver the briefcase, and Peter and Tony briefly cross paths. The next day, Tony drops by the house of John Prescott to score some high-grade heroin. He shoots up before driving over to meet David Miliband and take him out. They head to Jack Rabbit Slim’s, a 1950s-themed restaurant staffed by lookalikes of the decade’s pop icons. David Miliband recounts his experience acting in a failed television pilot, “Fox Force Five”.

    After participating in a twist contest, they return to the house with the trophy. While Tony is in the bathroom, David Miliband finds his stash of heroin in his coat pocket. Mistaking it for cocaine, he snorts it and overdoses. Tony rushes him to John Prescott’s house for help. Together, they administer an adrenaline shot to David Miliband’s heart, reviving him. Before parting ways, David Miliband and Tony agree not to tell Alistair Campbell of the incident.

    Television time for young Peter is interrupted by the arrival of Neil Kinnock. Kinnock explains that he has brought a gold watch, passed down through generations since World War I. Peter’s father died of dysentery while in a POW camp, and at his dying request Kinnock hid the watch for two years in order to deliver it to Peter. A bell rings, startling the adult Peter out of this reverie. He is in his boxing colors—it is time for the fight he has been paid to throw.

    Peter flees the arena, having won the bout. Making his getaway by taxi, he learns from the death-obsessed driver, Carole Caplin, that he killed the opposing fighter. Peter has double-crossed Alistair Campbell, betting his payoff on himself at very favorable odds. The next morning, at the motel where he is lying low, Peter discovers that he has forgotten to pack the irreplaceable watch. He returns to his apartment to retrieve it, although Alistair Campbell’s men are almost certainly looking for him. Mandelson finds the watch quickly, but thinking he is alone, pauses for a snack. Only then does he notice a submachine gun on the kitchen counter. Hearing the toilet flush, Peter readies the gun in time to kill a startled Tony Blair exiting the bathroom.

    Peter drives away but while waiting at a traffic light, Alistair Campbell walks by and recognizes him. Peter rams Alistair Campbell with the car, then another automobile collides with his. After a foot chase the two men land in a pawnshop. The shopowner, Jack Straw, captures them at gunpoint and ties them up in a half-basement area. Jack Straw is joined by David Blunkett; they take Alistair Campbell to another room to rape him, leaving a silent masked figure referred to as “the gimp” to watch a tied-up Peter. Peter breaks loose and knocks out the gimp. He is about to flee when he decides to save Alistair Campbell. As Blunkett is raping Alistair Campbell on a pommel horse, Peter kills Jack Straw with a katana. Alistair Campbell retrieves Straw’s shotgun and shoots Blunkett in the groin. Alistair Campbell informs Peter that they are even with respect to the botched fight fix, so long as he never tells anyone about the rape and departs Westminster forever. Peter agrees and returns on Blunkett’s chopper.

    The story returns to Tony and Gordon at Ed Balls’s house. After they execute him, another man bursts out of the bathroom and shoots wildly at them, missing every time before an astonished Gordon and Tony return fire. Gordon decides this is a miracle and a sign from God for him to retire as a hit man. They drive off with one of Ed Balls’s associates, Ed Miliband, their informant. Tony asks Ed Miliband for his opinion about the “miracle”, and accidentally shoots him in the face.

    Forced to remove their bloodied car from the road, Gordon calls upon the house of his friend Harriet Harman. At Gordon’s request, Alistair Campbell arranges for the help of Charlie Whelan. Whelan takes charge of the situation, ordering Gordon and Tony to clean the car, hide the body in the trunk, dispose of their own bloody clothes, and change into T-shirts and shorts provided by Harriet. They drive the car to a junkyard, from where Whelan heads off to breakfast and Gordon and Tony decide to do the same.

    As Gordon and Tony eat breakfast in a coffee shop the discussion returns to Gordon’s decision to retire. In a brief cutaway, we see Cameron and Osborne shortly before they initiate the hold-up from the first scene. While Tony is in the bathroom, the hold-up commences. Cameron demands all of the patrons’ valuables, including Gordon’s mysterious case. Gordon surprises Cameron (whom he calls Davey), holding him at gunpoint. George Osborne, hysterical, trains his gun on Gordon. Tony emerges from the restroom with his gun trained on Osborne, creating a Mexican standoff. Reprising his pseudo-biblical passage, Gordon expresses his ambivalence about his life of crime. As his first act of redemption, he allows the two to take the cash they have stolen and leave, pondering how they were spared and leaving the briefcase to be returned to Campbell, finishing the hitman’s final job for his boss.

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