Would it make a difference if pigs could fly?

Pigs are massive.

I reckon we’d have to rebuild a lot of the security systems at check in. Assuming we knew we couldn’t trust the pigs (and if you’ve read Animal Farm, you know not to trust pigs, especially to not corrupt ideology in their favour, though I guess that’s not what airport security is for).

Right. So maybe if pigs could fly all the things that people said would happen if pigs would fly would happen. It seems like a long shot. But as it’s a fairly traditional put down to a ridiculous statement, a lot of weird and unlikely things would start happening. Particularly, if shit television tells the truth, lots of people would have sex with people they didn’t want to.

This is not generally a good thing.

So it’s a good thing that causality doesn’t work like that.

(Just imagine for a moment, if when people said things, they actually created a causal loop that would take effect in the real world, so when someone says ‘if I had a dollar for every time x happened’ then every time x happened a dollar would fling itself at the speaker. This is one of the more mundane exampes. I’d be much more concerned about shit hitting the fan in any actualised fashion.)

So pigs can’t fly. But if they could, we’d probably treat them differently. They’re pretty smart, and they’re much hairer than you think (or than I thought, I saw my first pig fairly recently, it was fairly impressive, and hairier than expected).

Hair probably isn’t that relevant.

I’m imagining pig pegasi being popular among biker gangs as an alternative mode of transport. I reckon you could get a fair bit of baggage on a ‘touring pig’ and fly all over the place on the bag.

We’d have to build a network of sties at street diners and service stations across the country. Or even the world. Big troughs of swill. And certain people would constantly complain about how dirty they were while certain other people would constantly point out that ‘actually, pigs are very clean animals’. Because rolling around in mud is a very good way to get clean, even if it doesn’t feel like that.

Pigs are great. The noise they make is great. I would welcome that noise into the tapestry of the dawn chorus. I would be well chuffed to find a pair of piglets roosting near by, and waking to their hefty pork squealings outside my window.

On second thoughts, I’m not so sure.

I hope we’d stop eating pork scratchings as well. But I hope that now. (Though I did used to love pork scratchings).

I guess that’s another thought.

Pig farming would become much trickier, if the pigs could fly out of the pens. You’d need to totally rebuild pens into cages, and then get special equipment to keep them there.

But the nation needs its pork.

So they’d probably end up with clipped wings.

That’s made me sad.

Illustrations by Adam.

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About Alabaster Crippens

Joiner of Dots. Player of Games. Unreliable Narrator. Dancing Fool.
This entry was posted in Illustrations by Adam, Questions by Anna S. Bookmark the permalink.

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