I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.
Perhaps that’s disingenuous. Obviously I have heard of pyjamas (and I’m definitely a ‘spell them with a y’ kinda guy), and of course, my bottom is ripe like a peach (including the fuzziness, which is perhaps less attractive).
But I don’t really wear pyjamas. And I have no idea about their arse-chitectural (seewadididdere?) structures.
But I do have a pair. So I shall try them now. In the interests of science.
Right. I’ve got some pyjama bottoms on. (Fact fans: This is the first time I’ve worn clothes whilst writing unstruck in something like six weeks).
And my ass looks sweet. I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about. Come to think of it, I’ve definitely seen the odd bottom in jim-jams. And they’ve definitely maintained all the attributes of niceness the respective bottoms were capable of manifesting.
It’s definitely a good idea to use posh words when you’re talking about being lechy.
So where were we?
Dearest questioneer, I suddenly worry that there is something wrong with your pyjamas, or even worse, something wrong with your perception of your buttocks. Maybe it is that you spell pyjamas with a superfluous and clearly incorrect ‘a’.
There is so much I don’t know about clothes, which is a shame, because I love clothes. I also sort my hierarchy of ‘clothes I love to wear’ almost entirely on the basis of ‘does my bum look fantastic in this, or just okay’?
Some would say I’m shallow. I like to think I’ve just got a really nice arse.
I lack confidence in most of my body. I’m sure I have a lot of people who’d side with me on this. I think I’m a bit too gangly in some places and a bit too bulgy in others. I think the whole normally works out well enough but only just. (Most backhanded compliment I’ve ever recieved? ‘You should see Alex naked, it’s shocking, but his body really works.‘).
My face is spotty, my hair is a little over the top, my mouth has a tendency to contort into unpleasant permutations, my belly is too pokey out, my hips/waist are virtually non-existent, I’m somewhat flat chested (obv), and I’m kinda pasty white (particularly at this time of yeah, by which I mean all the times of year).
But my arse, is glorious. (And my eyes too, while we’re talking positively).
And these pyjamas, for all their irrelevancy to my wardrobe (there’s a certain kind of slouching around the house for which they are worthwhile) emphasise my fine features.
And there’s no sagginess.
In conclusion? You need different pyjamas. I’m sure your bottom isn’t actually the problem.
I recommend these pyjamas, but I have no idea where they came from (I suspect they were a hand me down from a friend, as I rarely buy trousers).
Seriously, those three stars up there? Mostly representative of me looking at my bum and smiling.
Illustration by Meghan.