Why are boobs referred to as melons?

Because they are both green, stripy, full of seeds and on display on the streets near the local grocer’s on a Summer’s day?

Because they are cool and refreshing?

Big, round and juicy?

(Except when they’re small, pointy and with the cute pokey nipples that so often accompany those types of boobies, though that’s probably just boobies and not really melons).

So the key here is that it’s a slightly useless comparison. Breasts are rarely as large or as spherical as melons. And texturally very, very different. If your breasts are actually like melons, I recommend a doctor (or a grocer, depending on how mercenary you’re feeling).

(Eww, sorry for that).

There’s lots of different kinds of melons. My favourite is normally the one with the little cobwebby bits on the outside and the insides that taste sweet and thick and cool all at once.

As for boobs. I don’t really have a preference, I’ve never met a boob I didn’t like. I don’t consider this low standards, I just think it’s because boobs are PRETTY DAMN COOL.

The delightful recent mother Mayme Bumbo told me recently that if you were breastfeeding two different babbies at two different stages in their development (say one who was one and one newborn) and consistently provided each with milk from only one boobie, the boobies would produce the right kind of milk for that point in development.

It’s possible to train boobs to do different milkings!

That’s magic. (It’s not magic, it’s biology, which is even cooler).

Anyway, the point is that melons can’t do that. No matter how cool melons are, they just can’t top boobs.

And that’s even before we start objectifying and thinking about sexual jiggery pokery (okay, I admit, there probably was some objectification up near the top…it is quite hard not to when trying to write 500 words about boobs, you try it?)

So where were we?

Oh yeah. Boobs are fantastic.

It’s definitely a misconception that they have to be like large round melons to be cool, as well. I’m never sure how I feel about evolutionary explanations for behaviour, and so don’t really buy the ‘men like big boobs because they make women look like good mothers because they are full of milk’ fairy tale.

I think people who like big boobs because they are curved (curves are sexy) and look fun to play with (boobs are fun to play with). Plus they are normally covered up, which gives them that frission of forbidden fruitness.

But like I say, I’ve never met a boob I didn’t like. Smaller ones are also pretty and fun and lovely.

This is making me feel lonely (and flat chested).

As for the why of it? There may be some objectification drives in labelling body parts as fruits, a trap I’ve fallen directly into. Is it a reductive statement, attempting to claim ownership on the boobs of others?

Maybe. I just don’t think it’s a very useful comparison.

Boobs should be themselves.

Illustration by Ellie.

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About Alabaster Crippens

Joiner of Dots. Player of Games. Unreliable Narrator. Dancing Fool.
This entry was posted in Questions by Ciara, Special Guest Illustrations. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Why are boobs referred to as melons?

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