Who would win in a fight between you and a seal?

My pacifism and love of animals would definitely get in the way. Plus I reckon that seals are actually stronger than you think. Although I don’t really know what there method of attack would be. They don’t look particularly bitey, and while they potentially have quite an efficient slap, they’re quite short.

I have no idea how long it would take to kill me by slapping my feet. This is just one of those things that I don’t know.

So I reckon I could probably pacify a seal with minimum injury to the self, and to the seal. I’d probably do something involving finding a towel or blanket, getting it wet, then a swoop wrap and carry manoeuvre.

Is there a connection between the word manoeuvre and the word oeuvre? Manos is hands, right? So it’s like an oeuvre of the hands? Crazy.

If it’s an earless seal, they’re shit on land, so this would be easy. If it’s not, then it might be a harder battle, but those guys are normally sea lions or similar, so I reckon I’m safe. If we’re actually letting in all the pinnipeds, then I could be standing off to  a walrus, and having spent large chunks of my childhood trying to finish the last level of the New Zealand story, I have quite a big chip on my shoulders about walruses (walri?). Maybe this would make for a more fighty fight, but maybe I’d just get tusked while I debated whether or not it was okay to blame a real life animal for the sins of a digital one. (Thankfully, writing this post has given me a chance to consider than quandary for a few seconds, which is enough to determine that I’m probably insane to consider any bearing on reality coming from a fictional world in which bears with sunglasses ride around on weird bear head baloons being shot by kiwis on pink ducks firing lazers. Just a though).

But I wouldn’t really fight animals. I’d probably get freaked out, run away for a bit, then realise it was in distress and try to solve the situation in the best way for every body involved. I can’t imagine any situation that would actually escalate into a one on one death match life or death there can only be one battle. Particularly not with a seal. And this is a problem with these things, the whole idea is absurd enough that I don’t actually know. There’s a definite possibility that when I’m under threat the killer instinct inside me is let loose and I become a brutal, efficient, seal murdering machine. But I’ve never been in that situation.

Can one truly know the nature of themselves before they’ve found out if they can fuck up a seal or not?

I’m not quite sure.

Of course, if we’re talking about Heidi Klum’s husband Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel, then it’s a different story.

I’d go down like a baby seal.

So to speak.

Illustration by Maria.

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About Alabaster Crippens

Joiner of Dots. Player of Games. Unreliable Narrator. Dancing Fool.
This entry was posted in Illustrations by Maria, Questions by Chris. Bookmark the permalink.

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