E Maj E Nation.
Pure and simple (and cynical and bitter).
Possibly it’s only my problem, but maybe others just don’t talk about it so much. Basically, I know my heart fills in the gaps with whatever makes it feels right.
I’ve got a heart that wants to be in love. Desperately. It’s a problem. The big fat romantic inside of me (not exactly far below the surface) longs enough to project it’s will wildly. It watches too many cheesy romcoms (and the clever indie ones too) and projects that onto the absences around me.
I’m sure it’s not such a problem when you’re in a relationship. In fact, it’s a nice trick to keep things solid. Definitely one of the best relationships I ever had was when I was in Brighton and she was in London. By only seeing each other at weekends (but talking and e-mailing every day) we made our time together more special, had more freedom for ourselves and thought the best of each other in the time in between.
Of course, she broke up with me because I was more fat hearted than she was. Which is fair enough. The imagination pumps it up dangerously large. Fit to burst.
And that’s the danger (it applies to things other than hearts and love too, and it wouldn’t be so dangerous if it wasn’t for hope, but that’s another (similar) story).
For me, my imagination builds worlds and futures for me to hope for. Things I wish might be become vivid and real in my mind. I project them out into the world and desperately hope for them to be real and come true.
Fond hearts need a certain reigning. But I’m focussing on the bitter cynicism here, because I am single and bitter. (I’m not supposed to be, I recently spent some time writing about how I am happier to be lonely, this is something that is important and I want to aim harder at, but it’s fucking difficult with a brain like mine).
But let’s look at some positives here.
The heart feeds off people we love, but everybody winds everybody up sometimes. The heart needs space (as do all organs…not literally, they are quite well packed). Absence is often just about space. Time to think and time to grow.
I think relationships that grow too tightly and bound up (particularly too soon) are dangerous. We are larger tribes than two. We have world around us. We often can’t think when we are wrapped in another.
So take the time to wander away and remember what it’s like to be you. Enjoy it, but also notice the things that you bounce off your loved ones, the way they feed you and teach you and make you better.
Then when you get back to them, open up your newly swollen heart and pour it’s learnings on them.
Love can be gory. Make sure it is in the best way possible.
Illustration by Anna-Kaisa.