How do you calm a cat on heat?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen one.

I’m imagining cats doing wiggly bottom dances to try and allure mates, but in reality I suspect it’s something to do with spraying pheremones, clawing stuff and some manner of humping.

Bucket of water? Put it on a tin roof? Sacrificial fuck puppet?

The whole pet thing is a little weird.

We keep animals and make ourselves part of their world. With dogs you quite clearly become part of the pack, with cats you quite clearly become a food and cuddle dispenser. It’s worth knowing your place.

But then something totally natural like sex season comes around, and we feel a need to restrain their innate cat/dog/animalness, suddenly we’re annoyed and frustrated.

Maybe that’s not really the case, but what right have we to control the sexing habits of our indentured friends?

On the other hand, people are bad enough when we’re horny, and we’re at least able to communicate and occasionally restrain ourselves.

So why should you calm a cat on heat?

Because it ruins your furniture and gets bodily fluids on your floor? I guess that’s pretty icky, but it’s part of living with animals. You get a fair bit in return, in terms of something resembling love (dependency) and companionship (dependency) and intelligence (conditioning).

My word, am I cynical this morning.

Cats are lovely.

They have this independence thing, and those inscrutable faces that seem to know what’s going on and have a slight eye  glint of ‘if you could comprehend the stuff I knew, your tiny brain would explode’.

Yet then, they know they’ve got a cosy deal. Pretty enough to make demands of strangers, and clever enough to know where and what to avoid. And they only have to sit on your lap (which is warm) a couple of times a day and they get fed.

Not bad.

And a day spent stretching, creeping, finding warm places and then lying down in them, that’s pretty lush.

I’ve recently established myself, much to my surprise, as a dog person. It just took one hound for me to fall in love, and now that excitement and playfulness gets me every time. I’ve just moved in with two dogs, and they feel like a part of the cosyness of the whole house.

So I love pets, but I still feel conflicted. These are domestic, bred animals, the notion of nature doesn’t apply (I don’t think natural is a real term anyway, either everything is natural or nothing is, either way, it’s a useless label). But is it okay to control the life of another? Is there a mutuality involved, or is it something like oppression. I’ve already become quite adept at telling the dogs (politely) to fuck off.

But I love them.

And the illusion of their pack instincts makes it look like they love me.

And that’s all love is really, right? Horniness, dependency and social instincts?

Maybe. But maybe I’m just too cynical.

Give the cat a romcom.

Illustration by Sam.


About Alabaster Crippens

Joiner of Dots. Player of Games. Unreliable Narrator. Dancing Fool.
This entry was posted in Questions by Alex P, Special Guest Illustrations. Bookmark the permalink.

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