I’ve never lost anyone to suicide, but I have considered it myself, and I know I’m not the only one.
The thing that holds me back is the thought of the people I leave behind. I am glad that I can hold on to an awareness that I’m loved enough by people that it would hurt them. So far at least.
The next protective layer, I suspect, is sheer fear of the unknown. I’ve had brushes with madness, and drugged darknesses that have wrapped me and held me so solidly, that a lasting impression has been made of ‘this is what death will be like, only it never ends’. I normally cry then.
Between fear and love, I am held alive. This is one of my weirder luckinesses. So terrified, but still held.
I don’t think I can talk about any experience but my own. I can’t speak for those that have brushed closer, or those that have shut the book completely, I can’t speak for anybody but myself.
But for me, I’ve seen a selfishness in my considerations. I’ve looked at the world, seen nothing for me, and thought about giving up on it. Luckily (from some perspectives), I’m not a gambler. I’ve always seen more chance in life than in death. I see more possibility here than I do over there.
And either way, we’ll end up there in the end, so we may as well have a look around here.
So my decision for life is just as selfish. Or self centred. I’m not just here because I thought it would hurt others (though that holds me back, like a seat belt), but because I’m curious enough to see how this hand plays out.
But of course, I’m blessed, I’m priveliged, I’m spoilt.
I don’t think suicide is selfish. I think it’s probably agonisingly painful, and will be the result of more pain than I could comprehend.
I do however, think its the wrong decision. Completely and utterly. For everyone. Always.
I don’t think I have a good answer why, but I hope with every bit of my heart and body and anything else that could theoretically be part of me, that anybody reading this who is thinking that way, can come up with that good answer when they need it.
If you get asked the question, or more likely, ask it of yourself, you’ve got to find a way to choose life. The other option, while coldly appealing, cannot really be an option. Please.
I don’t have any logic to it, apart from that the world is big and weird and interesting, and if you’ve ever connected with anyone ever, they will miss you, or feel responsible. If you don’t think anyone will miss you, you are wrong.
We are part of a web of weirdness and communication. Our lives connect together. That’s what living is.
Find an answer for yourself, make it yourself. Build life.
Because that’s all we’ve got.
Be the right selfish.
Illustration by Henry