I’m guessing we’re talking bodies, if only because that’s more entertaining, and stops me from saying something hippy like ‘a hole in the ground that spews peace’.
Currently all my bodily orifices do pretty cool things. The input and output of food and waste are critical, and I’d be sad without sound, smell and taste. My belly button feels like a bit of a waste (though I managed to convince myself as a child that I was at risk of turning myself inside out if I picked at it hard enough; this meant it used to be an orifice that offered an unending supply of curiosity and fear, which is impressive).
I think my mouth has the most purposes, being a handy inlet for food, drink and air, whilst being an emergency outlet for stomach contents, a device for spitting and a vent for nonsense, squeaks, moans and such. And it lets air back out again, which is pretty fucking essential.
So how versatile can I make this orifice?
I don’t want it to be too versatile, particularly if it meant I could avoid involving faeces in it anywhere. I’m happy for that orifice to stay where it is. Doing its job as efficiently as it can manage.
I’ve just spent about an hour looking at camping stoves and such like, so I’m pretty enamoured with the idea of some kind of fire breathing orifice. I’d probably locate it on a teflon belly, so that I could cook dinner whilst lying down. Although perhaps a thigh with some kind of platter extension would be more practical.
Nothing comes out of feet, does it? Maybe flames there would enable me to live my biggest ever dream, that of the double jump (to jump and jump again in the air, the fantasy of anyone who has ever played on a computer).
I’d perhaps choose something a bit more impossible. The whole third eye thing looks aesthetically pleasing (symmetry) and an orifice for receiving and emitting ideas would be great (as long as it had some intensely complicated valve system; there’s a lot of thoughts I don’t want other people to hear, and probably more I wouldn’t want to hear myself).
I could be more profit oriented and just ask for a hole in my knee that sprays out gold, but (a) this would be messy (if bling) and (b) eventually my knee would devalue the price of gold, which could create another problematic instability in the world economy; nobody wants my knee to do that.
Honestly though, my favourite orifice remains the mouth for two reasons, and I think they’re the things I’d want a new orifice to do the most. Noise making, and feeling feeling.
All those nerves, all that flexibility, that flow of air and adaptability. Pressure and sensitivity and a full range of noises.
That’s what I want from an orifice.
So give me another, so that I can harmonise.
And put it somewhere convenient for sexing.
Illustration by Emma